Why They Don't Report Abuse
We sometimes ask Why DON’T women report? We often judge them for not reporting.
When we see the statistics- it's easy to think that the women staying silent are weak, or uninformed, but there's a lot more to it than that.
When you leave a toxic relationship- it’s never black and white it’s grey.
After a horrible weekend that was the FINAL straw of my former boyfriend and my relationship, I sat across from a friend, in a bistro explaining what had happened.
“You can press charges.” She told me.
“But I hit him.” I said.
“OF COURSE YOU HIT HIM.” She clarified.
She sat across me, one of my closest friends, and this was the FIRST time I was opening up to her about the dark side of the past year's relationship.
It wasn’t the first time he had physically pinned me on the floor to keep me from leaving him.
But this time, something inside of me broke. The idea of being held down indefinitely AGAIN and having his spit on my face as he screamed expletives- was too much. The previous time had lasted hours… I felt terror. I didn’t think I could emotionally recover again.
In the past, he typically only restrained me until I completely surrendered to whatever he wanted. Which was an apology for making him jealous, maybe forgiveness to him for throwing things and calling me names or sometimes, coerced intimacy. Every episode was draining; demoralizing.
But this last time, as he held me to the ground, something inside of me changed. The idea of replaying the cycle again was too vile. The primal, savage part of me that couldn’t take being submitted again rose up inside me- I was full of rage.
“STOP HOLDING ME DOWN!” I screamed. My voice crackly, raspy, guttural. I wrenched my wrists free, pounding his chest as hard as I could.
This was the FIRST and only time I hit him. The FIRST time I ever fought him back. The FIRST TIME I REFUSED TO SURRENDER.
His face was full of shock, and then fury.
I may have well flashed a red cape in-front of a bull.
All hell broke loose.
I'm a foot shorter and 100 lbs lighter than him.
You can imagine who won the battle.
BUT.......
I, like countless others didn't report anything- and here are some reasons why:
One reason is that we aren’t perfect. We feel like we had part in it, after all- if I wouldn't have hit him; if I would have surrendered; the weekend would have been different.
And… honestly- it is EXHAUSTING to date someone toxic. When you’ve spent months or years trying to “color inside the lines” to keep peace- you’re just so tired that the idea of continuing a fight, just to see justice done seems like a waste of energy. We don't want to be the tattletale, and we ALSO know they are going to DRAG us through the mud if we say a word.
Another reason; emotional battering. I think the biggest part of abuse and it has been now proven the most damaging – is emotional.
To be clear; He NEVER HIT ME.
When he would call me names and physically restrain me, throw things around the room in anger (including me) he would justify it saying: “I’m just so in love with you. The idea of losing you hurts me so much that I want you to hurt too.” He didn’t see his behavior as abusive; but passionate and romantic.
When you are in a gaslighting relationship, or have spent months being called names or told you’re worth nothing and no one wants you but him- IF you can LEAVE at all; you are rarely in ANY head space to take up arms and go to court.
Another reason? Lack of Support.
Abusers want to be the center of your world. They want to control you. They want you to do their bidding.
As time passes, you start to realize that you aren’t spending time with your family and friends because it “bothers” your partner.
At first, it seems flattering to BE so important to another person… but over time, it becomes twisted. It’s impossible to make someone the center of your universe- to anticipate all their physical and emotional needs… you begin to FAIL, and as you “FAIL” their ego is hurt and they begin to punish you. It starts as pouting or silent treatment… it mutates into violence.
BY the time your relationship explodes into full fledged ABUSE… YOU have circled yourself right out of your own circles and feel completely alone.
You don’t have the SUPPORT to report and fight.
PROOF.
Looking back, I wish I had pressed charges on him for breaking my phone when I tried to call for help on that fateful weekend. It’s a felony to break a phone. BUT at the time, I had NO idea what the next few years would look like. If I could have seen what was coming- I would have.
My advice.
START THE PAPER TRAIL.
The NEXT FOUR YEARS he routinely drove past my house (10 miles out of his way.) He entered my house and moved things around when I was out of town and parked next to my car outside my work at closing time so I had to walk past him, over and over and over.
When I contacted an attorney, I was told there was NOT ENOUGH PROOF TO FILE A RESTRAINING ORDER.
Even though I had told him not to contact me in any way, blocked him in every way I could on social media; TECHNICALLY, he wasn’t contacting me. Even though he was entering my OWN HOME, he wasn't stealing anything and I didn't have VIDEO PROOF that he was.
Parking next to me in a parking lot at 6pm when he knows I’ll be getting in my car… isn’t actually contacting me OR against the law. Creepy, YES.
A year after the break-up, his best friend called me to tell me “I know that it’s weird that I know this, but you are 100% of his internet search history through his band page for the last 12 months. I just felt like you should know. It seems strange.”
ALL OF THESE ARE MAJOR RED FLAGS. ALL OF THESE SCENARIOS POINT TO DANGER. NONE of them are something you can press charges over.
Often times when a woman is killed by an ex-spouse or boyfriend, the details leading up to the murder; include all the same details I just described.
What’s another reason women don’t report?
MONEY.
A year and half AFTER the demise of our relationship, I learned the ex-boyfriend had committed insurance fraud on my policy.
If you are thinking like I thought “FINALLY! PROOF! He'll FINALLY get consequences!"
You and I were both wrong.
As my attorney explained.
“Looking at financials ONLY- you’ll lose. He can stay in a legal battle longer then you can.”
The attorney estimated a legal battle of at least 2 years and at least $50,000 with no guarantee we could win. These cases are extremely hard to win.
As a single mom, with little free time or money, it was LITERALLY CHEAPER to spend the next 4 years paying off the $10,000 debt he left in my name, than it was to hold him accountable.
This is A MAJOR flaw and reality in our legal system. It’s not who was right, but who can pay longer that will win the case.
The final reasons I want to say are the most vulnerable and embarrassing ones.
THREATS.
Abusers will threaten to hurt you, damage you, or ruin you if you talk.
And, they may try. Remember though; your REAL friends will stand by you. It may be hard; but it will be a cleansing and refining. You will KNOW without a doubt WHO your TRUE friends are. In the end; it’s a gift.
We are stronger than we think we are. And I think I speak for a lot of other women when I say- EVEN with ALL this...IF there was something I could actually CHARGE him with I would- I am not afraid for me- but what about my kids?
15 months ago, my daughter came home from her job at a fast food restaurant. “I saw SoandSo.” She told me.
“Where?” I asked, immediately on alert.
“At work. He was there.”
“Did he talk to you?” I asked
“No. He just looked at me.”
Coincidence? Maybe.
But, last year wasn't. I was featured at an event and the company who hired me had marketed me through their own channels of social media; when I arrived at the event, my colleagues were already setting up.
One of them said: “SoandSo is here.”
Three cities away from where he lives… at the exact time and place where I was featured. The odds?
I was 7 months pregnant. Vulnerable.
My husband stood by the doorway, arms crossed, eyes steady on him-He left.
None of this is illegal.
I used to be one of those VICTIM SHAMERS. Someone who said; “If you don’t press charges and hold someone accountable- he’ll just move forward to hurt someone else.” As if it was the woman’s fault he continued to abuse.
I’m sorry.
It’s NEVER your fault.
It’s the ABUSERS FAULT. ALWAYS.
The statistics of reported cases for women are 1 in 3 women that experience Abuse, rape, or murder.
These are ONLY the reported cases.
I believe that Abuse realities are much higher than that.
All I can do, to shift the statistics, is share my story.
To share the red flags I ignored that I didn’t know were red flags; and to educate others as to what abuse looks like.
ANYONE can find themselves in a toxic relationship.
But hopefully, articles like these can assist you in knowing patterns that are unhealthy before they escalate.
How can you protect yourself?
Know the signs.
Be vocal early on what are your boundaries and walk away if they are broken. IMMEDIATELY.
Be accountable for your own finances. While many financially successful women may find themselves in a toxic relationship- being able to financially care for your needs makes it easier to get out.
Speak to your friends.
Listen to your family when they have concerns.
Watch for double standards- meaning; do you notice the rules they have for you; don’t apply to them? Even small ones. This is a red flag.
REPORT EARLY. Get a paper trail going ASAP.
And tell your story.
Tell your story until the statistics change.
Tell your story until women know what to look for.
Tell your story until the abusers know that they will experience consequences of their actions.
Tell your story so the next woman he dates has the whole knowledge what she’s choosing into.
Tell your story so your children know your strength and that you were willing to break the chains.
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