How to be Grateful when your Kids are Gone during the Holidays

 

We live in the modern day with modern day families and during the holidays; that often means that kids are spending the holidays at one or the other parents' home.

I often see social media posts or hear from friends who are really struggling with being away from their kids on Thanksgiving or Christmas and while I have compassion for it- I want to share another perspective too. 

I can truly say that I am grateful my kids go to their Dad's house. I WANT them to see their cousins and grandparents and live by DIFFERENT rules than they have at my house, it teaches them to be world travelers and listen to their internal compass... it also teaches them to have manners! "When in Rome..."

I LOVE to hear their adventures when they come home and listen to their stories and laughter. When we aren't together- we have the chance to CATCH UP. It creates CONVERSATIONS between us. 

They have different experiences of family and friends who do things differently from us at our house and when they share- I learn. They suggest fun things they liked or ways that I never would have thought to do the celebrations and it makes our own family traditions become fluid, changing, and personal.

I am grateful that my kid's Dad loves them and takes them and they have positive interactions. I am grateful they get to VEG OUT and be irresponsible. I am grateful they see their Grandparents and have a WHOLE other set of people that care about them. 

Over the years, their dad has had girlfriends and these women have shown love and care for my kids. They have gone to the parks, played with pets, done sports with them and hiked and camped together. I feel lucky my kids have had extra adults in their lives who have shown them courtesy and expanded their view and ability to communicate with different kinds of people, it has boosted their self esteem. 

I honestly have to say, it doesn't bother me when my kids aren't with me for the holidays, it's the choice I made when I signed the paper to end a marriage and I knew that it included a shared parenting dynamic, in many ways- I've just accepted it and made the best of it. Yes, I LOVE it when they are WITH me... today is Thanksgiving and they are all in the other room right now as I type, playing video games. 

But, last year, I didn't have them and it was nice to have the chance to relax and bond with just my husband... and NAP! 

Other years when I was single and alone I had the chance to spend time with other single parents or serve those who were in need. My favorite thing to do on Holidays alone- is to get the holiday gifts together or to paint without interruption. 

I know it can be lonely and challenging for some- but part of why I'm grateful is that I know my kids are getting the opportunity to observe life by going different places. They are learning- just like I am learning that it's not the date of the holiday but the people that make it special. We can do our Holiday stuff another day. They get EXTRA holiday events and family time. 

I am lucky that my kids' dad is a good guy- as such, I know that when they are gone from me- they are safe. I know that they will face challenges and perhaps conflict at his house (they face them at mine) nothing is every PEACHY all the time; and I know that it is good for them to face those challenges and then step away from it and have some distance. This way they can reflect, reassess and have a game plan for the next time. 

In married parents homes, this temporary distance isn't possible. Watching my kids, I see that week by week, they get the chance to contemplate their experiences and grow from them back and forth. Their problem solving and communication skills are much greater than mine were at their ages.

I have valued seeing them observe life and learn from it- to hear their perspective of both our households. Their dad and I live differently, have different rules and ways of thinking. In the short run- it ended our marriage; in the long run; our kids have TWO safe environments to make choices about what they will choose for their own lives. 

I hope they take the best of their dad and my examples and create their own way to live and do things. 

Today, I spent almost all day taking care of my kids and cooking Thanksgiving Dinner. 

Next year, I'll have time to rest and reflect on the meaning of the Holiday, to connect with my husband and friends and do things differently. 

Because every other year is different for me, it's released a lot of burdensome traditions that we followed just to follow. It's given our family the chance to work out what is best for us. 

As a mom, I want my kids to pave their own way in the world. To have independence and inner strength. I want them to be adaptable and self regulating. I want them to know they are loved by me without needing to be with me all the time. I want them to know it to the depths of their soul- whether I am next to them or in another city- or someday on the other side of the veil. 

These are some of the reasons I find it easy to be grateful, even when they aren't home. 

Because I know, it makes them amazing people. 

I also know that they come back home, and it reminds me to cherish the times and holiday years we DO have together. 

I hope this helps if you are having a rough year. 

Happy Holidays. 

I partnered with other women to tell their stories of motherhood, the stories that aren't shared with badges and ribbons, in a book titled Unspoken Motherhood. Stories of PostPartum, Miscarriage, Child loss, adoption, and more. 

See it here:

Unspoken Motherhood