How to Support a Person in Grief

 Grief is as personal as a fingerprint.

 

There is no deeper intimacy than grief. 

 

Two people may lose the same loved one and it will be different for each of them to experience.

My former husband and I learned that.

 

Knowing this, I can only speak to my own experience of grief and offer my story as a way to serve who may be supporting someone you love who is grieving or if you are experiencing loss yourself.

 

Loss is a cloak that no one asks to wear; and as you wear it- it sometimes feels like you must oblige yourself to explain it.

 

People will ask you questions and offer condolences without reverence to the sacredness of loss.

 

People will be silent because they don’t know what to say and you are there standing awkwardly.

 

People say things to try and offer healing or help or to fix it.

They do this because they don’t know what to say.

When you know true loss, you hear what I call “bumper sticker wisdom”. 

Bumper sticker wisdom is what you’ve heard in a movie or what we think CULTURALLY we are supposed to say:

 

“They are in a better place.”

“Time heals all wounds.” 

“You’ll get through this.” Etc.

 

The truth is- that this is a journey no one wants to take. 

 

There are no words that can fix it. 

There is no FIXING to be done- only the baptism of what life is:

 

Love and the utter heartbreak of loss. The two are hand in hand. You cannot have love without loss or loss without love.

 

Over the years I have watched, listened and been on both sides of loss and witnessed so many different facets of what grief and loss is.

 

So, I will offer what I can. From my own experience. 

After my son passed, many people spoke to me. They offered what they could and as they did, I was able to understand their intention of love. (Most of the time) Even when they said and did hurtful things.

 

I would like to assist any of you who want to “help” but aren’t sure what to say.

 

How to Support Someone Experiencing Grief.

 

The most important advice I can offer to anyone who wants to support someone they love who is experiencing Grief is this:

 

Don’t assume.

 

Whatever you think Grief is or will look like or what you think you would feel- is wrong. 

We often project out onto someone else what our whole life tells us grief is. EVEN if you have had a personal loss in your life- your experience with grief can be completely different than what they are feeling.

 

Meet them where THEY are- not where YOU are. 

You cannot KNOW where they are without knowing them or being open to whatever they are processing. 

Also, it can change day to day.

 

As a mother who has lost a child, I can tell you there are days I’m okay, enlightened, philosophical, at peace, and there are other times that I am obliterated. 

Even years later.

 

Be the person that allows a grieving person the safety to express wherever they are. 

Withhold judgment and especially withhold cliché wisdom. 

 

When someone has lost someone- never assume.

 

You don’t know the relationship between them- all you can assume is the relationship you think they had. 

My sister passed away recently. 

She and I weren’t close, at best we were polite to one another. 

When people offered me condolences and dinners and sent me memes of Sister’s Love- I felt guilty and ashamed. 

I asked that they sent their efforts to my parents who were suffering.

 

We often assume that our belief system or religious faith is the only truth- so sometimes we project onto others those ideals.

 

Even in the same religion- people have differing faith levels and understanding and acceptance of doctrine, never assume that because your religion is the same, that you both understand the loss the same within the context of what your faith says death is. 

 

Saying things like “We all know that God has told us…”

Or “I’m so sorry, but at least we can take comfort in the knowledge that …” and recite doctrine.

Even if you are dealing with a fervent saint in their religion… death can upset all those ideals and beliefs. 

 

Sometimes permanently, sometimes temporarily.

 

Faith Crisis is real during loss and I remember having people of different faiths offer me what comfort they thought it was- and it was diverse and harsh. 

 

I remember when people would tell how blessed I was to have an Angel Child, or that God had taken him to protect him from the world- I was devasted. When Jonah passed and for many, many years afterwards, I was convinced that the reason God took Jonah was because I wasn’t a good enough mother. Hearing “He’s in a better place was like rubbing salt into the wound.”

 

I wouldn’t have spoken that to anyone- and their words of “comfort” were like twisting the dagger that was embedded into my heart.

 

Sometimes the best thing to say is “I’m sorry. I wish I knew what to say- but I am here, and I am willing to be with you.”

 

DO NOT use FUNERALS for TESTIMONIES AND PREACHING your RELIGION or Doctrine.

 

Funerals are times when we gather to remember the person we have lost. They are a time of closure for families and friends. When we splash our belief system onto a captive audience- it is dramatically inappropriate. You may as well throw mud or acid.

 

At a recent funeral I attended, a speaker spent 10 minutes relaying a scripture story of Alma (Book of Mormon) and sat down. One or two sentences of his speech mentioned the woman we were there to remember. 

 

It is always ok to say that through your personal faith you have found comfort but honoring the life of the person deceased is the primary reason we are gathered. 

 

CHECK IN

 

Set a timer on your phone, monthly or semi-annually to CHECK in with your friend who is grieving… and CHECK IN. Meaning, see where they are at emotionally.

 

Throughout the years, as hard as it was and sometimes is to simply KEEP GOING and live a good life; I would be having a good day and out of the blue- a family member or friend who was having a BAD day over the loss of Jonah would reach out and want me to weep with them. 

 

I was the GO TO for “we are so sad” and that was/is a lot to carry. 

 

Check in to see where they are before you put onto them where YOU are. An appropriate message would be: “Thinking of you and your strength. Still remembering so-and-so and wishing you the very best. I’m always here if you want to talk.”

 

This is a neutral message that keeps the door open. 

 

I think I’ll end the blog here. 

It’s hard to write things like this without memories flooding back to me and for my own self care- I’ll stop now. 

 

I trust this may be beneficial for some. 

And I hope you feel free enough to message or ask me questions if you are supporting someone through grief and unsure what to do or say. 

 

Thank you for reading this far.