BEWARE the WHITE KNIGHT... his saddle bags are full of red flags.

 We all know the story; Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty etc. 

Typical damsel in distress... hero comes in and saves her. 

The newer fairy tales? The powerful heroine and the lost boy. (Tangled, Aladdin, Trolls...) These are just as damaging. They show that love is imbalanced. The Girl Character has now become the white knight and these men... are liars and thieves. The idea is that when we fall in "love" or they just find the right girl- they change. 

In modern day love story- we are seeing the WHITE knight story play out regardless of gender and it's a story that primes girls for abusive relationships and buy into the illusion that these relationships are love. 

Let's talk white knight. 

Men have been conditioned to be the SAVERS. WE condition them to be the HERO. 

Little boys are raised with immense pressure to know the answers, be strong, be the one who knows martial arts, have money, take care of everything dangerous or hard... and all HE needs in return is a soft and beautiful woman. 

Every time he can save her- it makes him feel like a HERO. 

So, when a man it attached to the idea of being a white knight... he NEEDS a woman to be the DAMSEL IN DISTRESS. HE NEEDS her to be in trouble. If she's NOT- he can't save her and if he can't SAVE her- his identity is in jeopardy and self worth and insecurities begin to blare. 

So, often, a man attached to this White KNIGHT syndrome (WKS) will look for women who are susceptible to being vulnerable. 

Single moms, women who are passive or don't have strong boundaries, women who don't (notice I didn't say CAN'T) take care of themselves financially, women who are in perpetual battles with their DRAGON Ex's. 

Initially, as a woman in these situations... it can FEEL sooooo romantic. The flowers, the challenge that you've even struggling against for months or years- BEING taken care of. A strong hero. The WHITE KNIGHT. 

This looks like: I will help you with your bills. Here, let me reply to that text from your ex. I will handle the car payment. You can quit your job and work for me or just stay home- I got you. Don't worry if you can't afford the "fill in the blank" I will take care of it. What are your dreams? I'll make them happen for you!

The list goes on. 

What seems like a save... ends up disempowering you. 

Over time, a woman gathers her strength. The "breather" is nice- but eventually she begins to stretch out, wants independence. She begins to know that she can handle these things and her own life.... she begins NOT TO NEED the WHITE KNIGHT. 

When this happens... his WKS and identity begins to crumble. Unaware, the relationship has been built for him to be the ultimate decision maker and to have ultimate control over the dynamic. 

If he's living with you, he's paying half or all of the bills, and losing the relationship means that you may not have a place to live or at the very least- the lifestyle you've become accustomed to. 

As he's been saving the day- the coils of control have been winding around your life. Yes, you're on the horse... but he is the master of the horse and you're along for the ride. 

It's not a partnership- it's a state fair pony ride. You aren't going anywhere- not unless he says so. 

In these Damsel in Distress and WKS relationships- we see the seeds of abuse; READY TO GROW.

I'll explain. 

I once thought ABUSE was screaming and yelling or hitting. I once thought the basis of abuse was ANGER. It's not. It's insecurity; and through that insecurity the MAIN indicator of abuse is a person who needs to CONTROL. 

If they CONTROL the finances, the time, the house, the activities, the "check your phone" etc. They feel like they can control their own inner dynamic- they can have the power that they didn't have as a child when they were powerless to the abusers in THIER lives. So, by having SOMETHING to control...YOU; it feeds the starving part of them that NEEDS to feel important and in charge. 

They NEED you to stay on the back of the horse. IF you DON'T... if you were riding your very own horse... you could at any moment, decide the journey along the road beside them is over. 

An abuser works to disable you. AND... they do it romantically. 

It's HARD to see. It's HARD to recognize. AND, in modern media, movies, shows etc... we are being conditioned that THIS is love. TAKING CARE of another person is LOVE. 

Equality and FREEDOM is love. CHOICE to be side by side every day is LOVE. Dependence is inequality. When we create DEPENDENCE in a relationship- there is an imbalance and inequality. Someone will always have control. Abusers will ABUSE when they feel like they are losing the control and ability to manipulate you. THAT is when the behaviors of harm start... NOT during the ROMANCE period. 

SO, how do you SEE the RED FLAGS during the good time?

I'll give you examples from my own story. 

I dated a guy- WHO tried to date me for a year. I had said NO multiple times. I had even told him NOT to contact me for 3 months. He kept asking and asking. 

I FINALLY agreed to coffee on Wednesday mornings (as friends only) and after 3 or 4 months, our friendship became romantic. 

What's the RED FLAG? Persistence. 

I said NO. I said NO repeatedly. He wore me down. I agreed there could be a way to do this. I didn't understand I had become a target for him. A challenge, a trophy. I thought it was romantic. 

What I know NOW is that this obsessive compulsive behavior is dangerous. It's the same behavior that caused him to drive past my house weekly for two years AFTER our eventual break up to "see" if I was dating anyone. 

The loss of controlling me. 

What else is a RED FLAG? Ultra attentiveness.

What? I saw Edward and Bella.... how could this be? Isn't that what we want?

He walked me to my car every morning to kiss me goodbye. He was on the door step waiting for me after work every day. He stopped by my work JUST to say HI at random times. 

ROMANTIC right? 

No. He was checking in on my work day to see if I was flirting with men. He was making sure I was home within 15 minutes after my work ended, not lagging behind where men could talk to me. I would call and tell him if I was running late or picking up gas... he was that observant of the time- to the very minute. 

I didn't think he was controlling. The way it occurred was that he said "I just worry. I love you so much. What if you were in an accident or traffic jam and needed me. I worry until I know you are safe."

This is not normal. 

There's a difference between courtesy and obsessive attachment. 

RED FLAG: Giving up EVERYTHING for you. 

Ahhhh.... so noble...right? 

NO. 

Something is wrong. 

A person who has a life that can easily be thrown away; all their time and friendships becoming disposable  right away; has secrets. 

If they can MOVE IN right away, if they want to GET MARRIED right away, if they have OODLES of TIME to suddenly spend on you right away... something is wrong. 

A partner who has balanced friendships, lifestyle, career and relationships DOESN'T drop them for the first set of fluttering eyelashes directed his way. 

If this is happening... he is desperate and when YOU become the center of HIS universe... you are now in danger of BEING the CENTER of his UNIVERSE. 

The catch 22... they NEED to be the CENTER of yours. 

This means, alienating you from friends or family. They will say things like "They just don't value you, for who you are. I REALLY see you." They are putting themselves in the ROLE of the protector against an imaginary foe. 

ANOTHER way this alienation happens is having your family SEE the red flags and warning you. What the abuser typically does then is say something like "I can't believe they would do that. They don't like me. They are so mean. Look at all I do for you. If they only knew. They are so judgmental, they just don't want you to be happy." 

If your family doesn't like him. Find out why. And listen. It could be valid. 

RED FLAG: You can go through my phone.

(Disclaimer. Both my husband and I don't care whether we go through each other's phones- and neither of us go through each others phones.)

I had been dating the WKS guy for less than two weeks. He was ALL in. SO much so, that while sitting on the couch one evening, watching a movie he said. "I love you. I have no secrets. Here, you can go through my phone and look at anything you want. Here's my access code- my pin, anything. You can always trust me." 

"Ummm, Thanks." Wow, I thought. HOW ROMANTIC. 

No. 

He expected the same from me. 

Access to every text, every photo, every Email, every file on my phone and computer. 

Which.... I GAVE. (palm to forehead)

The truth is, I never went through his phone. I didn't care. "But if it really matters to him- that's okay. I have nothing to hide." I rationalized. 

You don't want to be the "untrustworthy one" right????

(this came FULL CIRCLE FOR ME 18 months later when I learned he had committed insurance fraud using my information AFTER our breakup)

People deserve PRIVACY. Not secrets per say- but privacy yes. 

If you are with a partner that you feel like you HAVE To have access to their phone... there's more going on in your relationship to be concerned about than the phone. 

To ADD to this:

(partially, because I STILL think it's so violating) 

He read my personal journal while I was gone. He read it more than once. He read my deepest thoughts over the course of FIVE years; romantic relationships and experiences that I had recorded. 

When I learned about this- his reply was "I thought we didn't keep secrets from each other. How dare you." Somehow I was the villain. 

Let's be clear. 

I didn't have secrets. 

Summing up and going on. 

When his control and jealousy surpassed all boundaries, when I couldn't be on the phone with a girlfriend without him being angry that I had stolen "HIS TIME" and when his bouts of drunk tantrums became physical... 

I told him to leave.

To get out of MY house. 

I remember the night. He stood by the half open door, the porch light bathing his furious face. 

He said: "You will come crawling back to me."

He walked out. 

He slammed the door. 

I had chosen to climb OFF the back of the HORSE.

And you know what? I could tell him to leave, to get out of MY house... because I didn't NEED him. 

I remember how often he had encouraged me to quit my job, not take my purse to dinner, to be together ALL the time and he would handle everything; and my answer was: "Perhaps. When we are married, we can talk about it." But NOT until my name was on that line.

That night, when he slammed the door and I was standing in my basement with hurt, shame, and bruises on my wrists from his hands... 

I remember an IRON STRENGTH that rose up inside me, that through the refiners fire of pain and heart break, became solid and immovable. 

"NO I won't." I answered to the empty house. 

I didn't NEED him. 

HE needed me. He NEEDED me (or the next lady) to be dependent on him. He needed the power. He needed to assert control so he could feel like something more. He needed to be the master of the horse, the leader of the road we took. 

I didn't. 

A true relationship is partnership and balance. 

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A relationship that sees the greatness in one another. Who, from time to time will lift or lean, will support or be supported... but not with the idea of finding someone to "take care of."

Get your own horse. 

Pay your own bills, create good friendships with solid friends, don't give your power away in the guise if ROMANCE. 

And DON'T climb on that WHITE KNIGHT's HORSE... not unless your dream is to keep a man's ass warm. 

Take the reigns in your life. 

You're not a Damsel OR a Heroine to save anyone. You're a rider. 

A rider who chooses their own destiny, and who you travel with on that journey.