Letter to My Firstborn

 To My First Child,

You created and destroyed me all at once. 

Everything I thought I was and thought I knew- was obliterated when you birthed from my body. Any understanding of what love is and was, became nothing and was nothing as I finally knew the meaning. 

What mattered to me; the "top priorities" fell crashing like a china cabinet across the floor when you entered my life. Nothing mattered more than you. The light and sun dawned when you woke and the night fell when you slept. All of who I was, and all I thought I had achieved was incomparable to your sweet face, your tender soul being brought into this world. 

The confidence I falsely trusted in- disappeared when I couldn't soothe your cries or intuitively know your needs; then returned, reshaped and restored when you first called me "Ma." Every other title I found accomplishment in; was nothing and is nothing to the title "Mom." And the title "Mom" is the abyss of nothing as I lost myself in that ocean of other peoples needs. Often floundering in the storms and waves of daily tasks with no acknowledgment or thanks. Then soaring as you wrapped me in your arms and kisses of unconditional love.

"Mom;" the greatest title and the most humble. "Mom" the role of being found and lost all at the same time.

Looking into your eyes and witnessing your innocence- I see a reflection of the child I once was and through that sight- I heal. In my human frailty and ignorance, I patched all the holes in the dam I could foresee from the lens of my understanding of childhood whilst simultaneously creating other punctures in your own that I was unaware of. This is the cycle of parenthood I suppose. 

I am who I am because of the gift you are in my life and came to be. The old me, the one before- doesn't exist anymore. Once in a while I see a glimpse of her in the mirror as I pass- like a ghost in the corner of my eye. I remember her, but she isn't me any longer. I can never unsee the world through the eyes of a mother now. That isle of "before" is a shimmer on the horizon from long ago. 

I am more and less. 

I am stronger and weaker. 

I am all and nothing.

I am Mother. 

For this; Thank you.