Why Women Don’t Report: The Reality of Leaving an Abuser
We often ask, “Why don’t women report?”
We judge them for staying silent.
When we see the statistics, it’s easy to assume that the women who don’t speak up are weak or uninformed—but it’s not that simple.
Leaving a toxic relationship is never black and white.
It’s grey. Messy. Exhausting.
The Moment I Knew It Was Over
After a weekend that finally broke me, I sat across from a friend at a bistro, telling her what had happened.
"You can press charges," she said.
"But I hit him," I admitted.
"OF COURSE you hit him!" she snapped.
That moment was the first time I had ever told a friend about the dark side of my relationship.
Because this wasn’t the first time he had pinned me down to keep me from leaving.
It was, however, the first time something inside me snapped.
The idea of being held down again, having his spit hit my face as he screamed, was too much.
I could not emotionally recover from another cycle of submission.
Before, I had always surrendered—offering whatever he wanted to end the episode.
An apology for making him jealous.
Forgiveness for throwing things, for calling me names.
Maybe, coerced intimacy.
But this time, something inside me refused.
"STOP HOLDING ME DOWN!" I screamed.
I twisted my wrists free, pounded my fists against his chest as hard as I could.
It was the first and only time I hit him.
The first time I fought back.
The first time I refused to surrender.
His face shifted from shock to rage.
And then?
All hell broke loose.
I was a foot shorter and 100 lbs lighter.
You can imagine who won the fight.
And yet… I didn’t report it.
Why Women Stay Silent
1. We’re Not Perfect
Women who experience abuse question themselves.
We think, If I had just surrendered… If I hadn’t fought back…
We convince ourselves that if we had acted differently, it wouldn’t have escalated.
We tell ourselves it’s not that bad.
2. We’re Exhausted
Being in a toxic relationship is mentally draining.
You spend months, even years, trying to color inside the lines to keep the peace.
By the time the final explosion happens, you’re so tired that the idea of continuing the fight in court feels unbearable.
And we know what will happen if we do.
We know they will drag us through the mud.
We just want it to be over.
3. Emotional Abuse Is the Most Damaging
"He never hit me."
I’ve heard these words from so many women—myself included.
But being pinned to the ground is violence.
Being called names until you believe them is violence.
Having things thrown at you, including yourself, is violence.
Abusers justify their behavior:
"I just love you so much. The thought of losing you hurts me, so I wanted you to hurt too."
They don’t see it as abuse.
They see it as passion.
By the time you leave, you have been gaslit so deeply that you can barely trust your own mind—let alone have the strength to take them to court.
4. We Have No Support
Abusers isolate you.
At first, they make you feel special—the center of their world.
Over time, their love turns into control.
You stop spending time with friends and family—because it upsets them.
You cancel plans—because it’s not worth the fight.
At first, it feels like devotion.
Eventually, it feels like a cage.
By the time you realize you are trapped, you have very few people left to help you escape.
5. We Lack “Proof”
Looking back, I wish I had pressed charges when he smashed my phone so I couldn’t call for help.
Breaking a phone is a felony.
But at the time?
I didn’t know what was coming.
I didn’t know he would spend the next four years:
- Driving past my house (10 miles out of his way).
- Entering my home while I was out of town, just to move things.
- Parking next to my car at work—forcing me to walk past him, over and over.
I contacted an attorney.
"There’s not enough proof for a restraining order."
He wasn’t contacting me.
He wasn’t stealing.
He wasn’t breaking a law.
He was just… watching.
And When Women Do Report? The System Fails Them.
6. Money
A year and a half after I left, I discovered he had committed insurance fraud in my name.
"Finally," I thought. "I have proof."
I hired an attorney.
But the legal system isn’t about who is right.
It’s about who can afford to fight longer.
A two-year legal battle would cost me $50,000—with no guarantee of winning.
Instead, I spent the next four years paying off the $10,000 debt he left in my name.
Because justice is expensive.
7. Fear
Abusers threaten.
They intimidate.
They make you believe they will ruin you if you speak out.
And sometimes? They try.
But I promise you this—your real friends will stand by you.
You will lose people. But in the end, you will be free.
Even After It’s Over, It’s Not Over
15 months ago, my teenage daughter came home from work.
"I saw him," she said.
"Where?"
"At my job."
He didn’t speak to her.
He just watched.
Coincidence? Maybe.
But then it happened again.
I was featured at an event. The company advertised me online.
And guess who showed up—three cities away from where he lived, at the exact time and place I was scheduled to speak.
I was seven months pregnant.
Vulnerable.
My husband stood by the door, arms crossed.
He left.
Why I Share This
I used to be one of the victim shamers.
"If you don’t press charges, they’ll just move on to hurt someone else."
As if it was the woman’s fault that he continued to abuse.
I was wrong.
It is never the victim’s fault.
It is always the abuser’s fault.
How Do We Change This?
💡 Know the Signs.
💡 Set Boundaries—and if they are crossed, walk away immediately.
💡 Be financially independent—so leaving is easier.
💡 Listen to your family and friends when they raise concerns.
💡 REPORT EARLY. Get a paper trail started.
💡 TELL YOUR STORY.
Tell it until the statistics change.
Tell it until abusers face consequences.
Tell it until women recognize the warning signs before it’s too late.
Tell it so your children know you broke the cycle.
Tell your story.
Because silence is what keeps them safe.
And telling the truth is what sets you free.
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