How to Support a Person in Grief
Grief is as personal as a fingerprint.
There is no deeper intimacy than grief.
Two people can lose the same loved one and have entirely different experiences. My former husband and I learned that firsthand.
Knowing this, I can only share my own experience. I offer it with the hope that it may help someone grieving—or someone trying to support a grieving loved one.
Grief is a cloak no one asks to wear. And yet, once you wear it, it often feels like you owe the world an explanation.
People ask questions or offer condolences without reverence for the sacredness of loss. Others remain silent, unsure of what to say, leaving you standing in the awkward quiet.
Some try to offer healing words—but often what comes out is what I call “bumper sticker wisdom”:
“They’re in a better place.”
“Time heals all wounds.”
“You’ll get through this.”
But grief isn’t something to fix. There are no magic words. It’s a baptism into the reality of love and heartbreak. One doesn’t exist without the other.
Over the years, I’ve witnessed grief from many sides. I’ve listened, supported, and been supported. I offer these thoughts from that lived space.
After my son passed, many people tried to comfort me. I could usually feel their loving intent—even when their words stung.
So if you want to help someone grieving, but you’re unsure what to say, here’s what I’ve learned:
How to Support Someone Experiencing Grief
Don’t assume.
Whatever you think grief looks like—it’s different. Even if you’ve experienced loss, your grief may look nothing like theirs.
Meet them where they are, not where you are. Be open to whatever they’re feeling. It can shift daily.
As a mother who’s lost a child, I can tell you: some days I’m okay, even peaceful. Other days, I’m wrecked. That doesn’t go away with time.
Offer a safe space for expression. Withhold judgment. Avoid clichés.
Never assume the relationship the grieving person had with the deceased. When my sister passed, we weren’t close. The well-meant messages about sisterly love made me feel guilty. I asked people to direct their care to my parents instead.
Don’t project your beliefs onto someone else's grief. Even within the same religion, people hold different levels of faith and understanding. Saying things like, “God needed another angel,” or “We know God’s plan,” can feel like daggers, not comfort.
After Jonah died, people said things they thought would bring peace—but instead, they deepened my pain. I believed his death was my fault. Saying he was “in a better place” only twisted the knife.
Sometimes the best thing you can say is simply:
“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say, but I’m here, and I’m willing to sit with you.”
A Note on Funerals
Funerals are for honoring the life of the person we’ve lost. They’re not a pulpit for preaching or converting. Please don’t use someone’s memorial as a chance to share doctrine. Share your personal comfort if it helps—but remember why we are gathered.
Check In
Set a reminder to check in with your grieving friend—monthly, or even just twice a year. Ask how they’re doing before sharing how you feel.
For years, I was the “go-to” for others’ grief about Jonah. On days when I felt strong, someone else’s hard moment would land on me like a wave. It was a lot to carry.
A simple message works wonders:
“Thinking of you and your strength. Still remembering Jonah and sending you love. I’m always here if you want to talk.”
That kind of message is neutral, loving, and keeps the door open.
I’ll end here. Writing this brings up memories, and for my own self-care, I need to pause.
I hope this helps someone. If you’re supporting someone in grief and unsure what to say, feel free to reach out.
Thank you for reading.
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