Why I Didn't Tell My Husband He Was a Good Dad

The other day, I had an issue at my studio. 

The one and only toilet stopped working with no identifiable reason. I had 100 people coming to classes and conferences over the next two days and not having a functioning toilet mattered. 

Luckily, I was able to arrange with our building manager to get a plumber at 8am and meet him there to find the cause of the problem. 

What we hoped would be a quick resolution; was a three hour repair, removing and replacing the toilet and handling a clog in the main line from our hundred year old building. 

I texted my husband keeping him informed of the progress and when we learned it would take longer than expected, he got our son breakfast, ready and dropped him off at childcare. 

I began a text to my husband that said "You're such a great dad." and paused- just before I hit the "send" button. Then erased it. 

I texted "I appreciate you." instead. 

Here's why. 

My husband is a great dad. Truly, a phenomenal dad. 

But taking your kid to childcare isn't what makes him one.

As a society, I have become sensitive to the "Dad Trophies" we metaphorically give to men. When it's just basic parenting. 

When our son was a few months old, we were around a group of friends and bedtime came, my husband said "I'll be right back, it's this guys bedtime." Carried our son out of the room, and put him to bed. Diaper change, pjs, swaddling, etc. 

As my husband left the room- all the women in the room "oohed and ached" exclaiming "Wow. He's such a good dad." 

I responded "Yes he is." and then I brought up the question "Do we give women the same accolades when they put babies to bed?" and across the room, it was conceded that what we naturally expect and even disregard in motherhood, we applaud in men who do the same thing. 

My husband and I are partners in parenting. 

We both contribute financially. We both contribute to childcare. 

Five days a week I bathe, feed breakfast, brush teeth, clothe my son and take him to childcare. It's being a parent. 

It sends the wrong message to a man, and my son, and society that if the father does it- it's something special and that he's going above and beyond in anyway. 

So I sent the message "I appreciate you." because I do. But I want to be part of the change. Shifting the perception of low expectations of men in their parenting. It's not fair to them.