The Self-Care Cliche's and How to Self-Care without the perfect Bath Bomb
Self-Care by Katie Jo
In modern day we hear more about self-care more than ever.
I’ve gone to countless New Age groups and Women’s Circles and Empowerment Retreats that talk about taking time for the self, and almost always the advice we get is: put on lotion, take a bath, light a candle.
I’d like to contribute to the conversation.
In the middle of my hardest times, particularly when I was a single mom with three “at-home“ kids, or more recently, when I went through postpartum depression with my youngest, who is now a toddler; the “self-care” encouragement I received felt like another battle I simply couldn’t win.
I remember thinking, “So, after the bath or the leisurely walk, or the journaling, or the lunch out with girlfriends- who is going to catch up on the pile and housework that got higher, bigger, and harder while I ‘self-cared?’ Who will run my struggling business that pays my bills?”
The price to pay for self-care was too high. The damage outweighing the benefit. In a time deprived life, telling me to take more time for me, made me feel worse. I had to divert twice the time to repair the work/mental load that every minute of self-care gave me.
So, I thought I would share some self-care tips that work for me. Self-Care doesn't have to be an “extra” thing, it’s a way of building it into the daily experience I live.
Here are some things that aren’t often talked about as “self-care” and I believe them to be a deeper sense of self-care than the advice we usually get and applicable to all of us.
Speak your Truth without Expectation.
Often, self-care can be as easy as letting the people around you know how you are feeling. Many times they would show up, give, sit and talk, offer support if they just knew how you were processing emotions.
This isn’t meant to be a manipulative tactic for them to change or adjust, but simply letting the people around you know your personal experience is a freeing and open way to serve your self-care.
Here’s an example; I was making dinner for the family after a long day of work. In the other room, my husband heard me sigh. I hadn’t even realized I had done it. “What’s up?” he asked as he tended to our toddler.
“Cooking is one of my least favorite chores. I hate it somedays.” Was my answer.
He entered the kitchen and said, “You never have to cook for us. I don’t expect you to.” And I responded, “I know, but Bubba (our son) needs to eat.”
My husband offered to help and together we made dinner.
Even if he hadn’t helped with dinner that day, it was good for me to voice how I feel. Knowing how our partners are feeling- makes us closer. Being open, makes our relationship stronger.
Stop procrastinating.
I once read an article that referenced statistics saying that most often the things we procrastinate on, take less than two minutes to complete. What!? I’ve found that to be true. Literally, we spend more time stressing and anticipating and avoiding things than it would take to do them.
So, self-care can be as easy as knocking off one procrastinating item a day- or at the least, one step of the process if not the whole thing. The burden of those undone tasks bears down on our mental load and makes everything heavy. Two minutes a day can alleviate a mountain of stress.
Delegate.
What really has to be done now? What doesn’t. Delegation to me is doing what is most important first. House cleaning is not as important as a fulfilling conversation with my spouse or children. Delegation means, deciding what I am going to do and what my “niche of genius” is and what my circle of people (kids, spouse, colleagues, friends, etc.) are able to do and ask for it. Delegation is about letting go of expectations.
Surrender perfection, letting go of what needs to be perfectly done and what can be done in ways I may not do them- but done regardless.
Here’s an example: I know that when I’m not up to cooking dinner, my husband will always willingly cook dinner. I also know that it will usually be take-out or rice and meat if he does. That’s perfectly okay.
I know that I don’t like to garden or keep up the yard. So, if the yard or garden isn’t pristine. If the neighbors judge me- so be it.
Another example: Writing this blog instead of folding the three loads of laundry that are staring at me while I type. Because, this, revitalizes me. Brings me a sense of fulfilment. It’s part of my business that I truly enjoy and thrive in.
Along the lines of delegation, I’d like to also add in: When I think about my best friend, she and I may not spend every day together and we both live busy lives; but when she calls- other calls get ignored or dropped. First things first, first people first; and with that same thread of thought- be your own best friend. I am as guilty of putting others before my needs, sacrificing myself when I know that I need to say “no” to invites or “no” to more tasks. We deserve to be our own best friends.
Private time.
I am someone who fuels when I am alone. I recently expanded my business and moved locations. This required packing and moving. I had countless amazing and generous friends who offered to help me pack. I declined.
No, not because I can’t receive help- but because I liked the quiet time with my thoughts. To pack the boxes the way I wanted to in a way that made sense to me, at my own pace.
The day of moving came, and I openly, gratefully welcomed help of moving the boxes and furniture and social time with the caring friends who supported me.
My private time is also trading sleep for a greater satisfaction. While, for some people, self-care can be sleeping in- for me, it’s waking up 20-30 minutes before anyone else in my house to read, sip coffee at sunrise, goal set, or just rest in the silence. This is my time, and it was crucial during those single mom years, when my work and children occupied every other minute of my day until bedtime.
Sometimes, private time for me is turning off the radio when I commute and being alone with my thoughts, other times, it’s using that time to listen to inspiring podcasts or audible books.
Boundaries.
Self-care is very very very often holding boundaries.
I recently heard an explanation of boundaries that expanded my mind and changed my perspective on what they mean.
Boundaries aren’t about keeping others out or putting fences up. Boundaries are how far you are willing to go for others.
Mind blown.
One of the most important self-care processes is having clear boundaries. Clear about how you are to be treated. Clear about how much you are going to give in time, effort, money, and energy. Clear about what works and doesn’t work for your life and well-being. And, then- keeping your integrity about those boundaries. When I said "this is what I’ll be in charge of," and if you fail on your end of what you said you will be in charge of- I am not putting that on my plate.
Letting Go.
Yes, we touched on this briefly.
Letting go of anything on our plate that is not bringing us joy. Letting go of the class, playgroup, or program that we thought we would love but just don’t have the energy for. Letting go of the relationship that you are putting more effort into then they are. Letting go of whether you look good in a bathing suit determine whether you go swimming. Letting go of the idea of what something should be versus what it is. Letting go of the past we can’t change and being fully present in the moment. Letting go of what we are trying to make sense of and simply accepting that sometimes things don’t make sense.
Being here now.
Probably the most important part of self-care is: being here now.
(Also, the key to having great orgasms- another awesome self-care option.)
Noticing the sunset or sunrise. Experiencing the water on your skin in the shower or over your hands as you wash the daily dishes can be a sensation of joy. The fresh smell of linens, the laughter of your kids jingling through the house. Really immersing yourself in the magic of life as you live it.
Centering in the breath and body. Feeling your lungs expand and textures of fabric on your skin, the heat or coolness of the air around you. Being in the moment and allowing the nuances of your heart and intuition to guide you.
In the moment, in the presence of our soul-self, we know the next step for us. We know the next thing to say or to keep still. We know what our passion is that is calling us quietly. We know which friend to check in on, what email to respond to, what business move is right for us, what child of ours needs our compassion, what our connection to our spouse is, and most importantly; in the now, in the presence of ourselves; we know what we need. We hear our body, psyche, emotions guiding us to harmony. Follow that.
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