The Perfect Illusion Rabbit Hole of Abuse

The Perfect Illusion

"They appeared to be the perfect family," a family friend said.

"He was not a bad person any little bit, as far as we know," their neighbor added. "Everybody probably has issues behind closed doors, but these people were the perfect American family."

And yet, Kristy Manzanares lay dead.

Her head smashed. Blood drenched the floor. Her husband, Kenneth, covered in it.

He was caught trying to throw her body over the cruise ship balcony.

Everybody has issues. Not everyone is a murderer.

Two phrases Kenneth is now infamous for:
"She wouldn’t stop laughing at me."
And after being handcuffed: "My life is over."

No.

Kristy’s life was over. Their children’s lives were shattered.
But, like many abusers, his first instinct was to make it about himself.

My heart aches for her family, her friends, and her children.

My heart also goes out to those who were deceived by him—the friends, the family, the neighbors who truly believed he was a good man.
They, too, were victims of his betrayal.

The Moment I Realized I Could Have Been Her

When Kristy’s story hit the headlines, memories came flooding back.

A few years ago, I went on a cruise with my then-boyfriend.

One night, he got drunk. Angry. Thrashing, calling me names, threatening me.

He stood between me and the door. I felt trapped in that tiny cabin.

Like always, I went silent. Diffused the fight. Waited for him to wear himself out and collapse onto the bed, sleeping it off.

The next morning, he cried and begged for forgiveness. Like always.

And, like always, I forgave him.

He swore he’d never lose control again.

And for a few weeks, things were perfect.

The flower delivery guy even knew my name. The cards always said the same thing:
"I love you."

I pretended to believe it.

I wanted the perfect relationship. Admitting it was something else—something twisted—would mean admitting I had failed. That I had chosen wrong. That I couldn’t trust my own instincts.

So, I ignored the signs.

I brushed moments like this under the rug, just as Kristy likely did.

The Red Flags We Ignore

I used to think love meant sticking it out. That commitment meant forgiving endlessly.

But love shouldn’t feel like a trap.

Looking back, the red flags were there from the start:

• Hiding alcohol in a gas station cup at a family party.
• Drinking from a coffee mug while driving, weeks into our relationship.
• Lying.
• Explosive outbursts.
• Calling me names, then apologizing like his life depended on it.

Each time, I chose to look past it.

Each time, I convinced myself that the good outweighed the bad.

Each time, I thought I was being understanding.

Now I know: I was being groomed.

---

Independence Day—The Last Day

For the fourth time in our relationship, I found myself pinned to the ground.

His 6'5" frame towered over me, his hands locked around my wrists, his spit hitting my face as he screamed.

It was morning. He was hungover. His breath reeked of stale alcohol.

And then, something inside me snapped.

I twisted my wrists free and pounded my fists against his chest.

The sound of my own voice shocked me. “LET ME GO!”

My resistance was a red cape to a bull.

For the first time, I fought back. And for the first time, I saw the real him—the one behind the facade.

It escalated. He grabbed my phone, smashed it in half, poured water over it so I couldn’t call for help.

When I ran, he dragged me across the gravel. Threw me into his car. Sped through intersections at over 100 mph.

Every time I reached for the door, he went faster. “If you try to jump, I’ll crash and kill us both.”

I believed him.

Eventually, he let me go. He dropped me off on the side of the highway. I hitchhiked to a friend’s house.

And yet… I still didn’t leave.

Not right away.

Because most of us—still believe the abuse is just a phase.

---

The Lies We Tell Ourselves

I thought if he just stopped drinking, stopped smoking, stopped doing this one thing, everything would be perfect again.

But it never was.

Because control is not love.

Possessiveness is not devotion.

And staying silent is not keeping the peace—it’s enabling abuse.

---

Why We Protect the Abuser

Three different friends asked me the same question:

"Do you know this is abuse?"

I shook my head. "No… he’s such a good guy. He treats me so well."

And so, I learned to be silent.

I stopped telling people about the fights.

I protected him.

Because I didn’t want anyone to think he wasn’t a great guy.

I helped maintain his carefully curated image—the charming, loving, devoted boyfriend.

But behind closed doors, I was suffocating.

---

Kristy’s Silence, and Ours

Kristy Manzanares likely kept silent, too.

She likely believed, as I did, that if she just loved him enough, things would change.

She likely protected him—his reputation, his image—as so many of us do.

But in the end, she paid the ultimate price.

And when her perfect husband finally snapped, people were shocked.

There were no police reports. No public signs of abuse. No warnings.

But that doesn’t mean they weren’t there.

It means she—like too many women—kept them hidden.

Because we want to believe the best in people.
Because we want the perfect family, the perfect love story.
Because we want to believe it will get better.

But silence doesn’t make things better. It just makes them more dangerous.

---

We Must Speak

I share my story because I know there are thousands like me.

Thousands who stay silent.
Thousands who excuse the first red flag. And the second. And the third.
Thousands who believe, if I just love him enough, he’ll change.

Silence teaches abusers that their behavior is acceptable.

But when we own our voice, we begin to break the cycle.

If you are in a relationship that feels suffocating, speak.

If you are making excuses for his outbursts, his control, his manipulation, speak.

If you feel like you are walking on eggshells, speak.

One by one, we shift the statistics.

One by one, we break the silence.

One by one, we save lives—starting with our own.

Image Credit Aubree Della Photo

I didn't know I was in an abusive relationship until I began doing research on what abusive tendencies and behaviors are.

Get informed. 
Speak the truth.

Find me here:

katiejodrum.com 

Here are some links to research for yourself:

(This article on Narcissism is helpful to any of you who may wonder if you are in the situation I was:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201409/10-signs-youre-in-relationship-narcissist )

(One in Four according to national statistics) 
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/23/domestic-violence-statistics_n_5959776.html

Top 10 Signs of an Abusive Man

http://www.celebratelove.com/salexander.htm


30 Signs of Emotional Abuse

http://liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse

Domestic Violence Coalition

http://udvc.org/



Read the article about Kristy's death here:
http://www.cnn.com/2017/07/28/us/alaska-cruise-man-kills-wife/index.html