Has motherhood ruined me, created me, or revealed me?
Has motherhood ruined me, created me, or revealed me?
I don't know what it is not to be a mother. I have had women with infertility hate me because of my body's ability to host a child within it with so little effort to get pregnant. I have had tremendous resentment towards my body and my culture for the pressure of motherhood. Distrust of my body for my body's ability to become pregnant against my wishes and prevention measures.
I am one of the women who hates pregnancy. I feel violated.
It's a strange paradigm to live in. I understand that motherhood is the most important thing I could ever do -but I'm just not great at it. I also, just don't enjoy much of it.
When I was pregnant I said to my husband; "Do you want to quit your job and I will support the family after the baby is born?" He said "No." He didn't want to give up his dreams, his career, all that he had been building and striving for. "Neither do I." I responded.
There's nothing more important to me than my kids. But for some reason- there's an idea that a woman has to give up everything else to prove it, while men don't. In fact, society judges a man who gave up his career to be a father full time.
I was on birth control and used condoms and prevention throughout my adult life and I still became pregnant.
There's part of me that wishes for the freedom to just be a mother. What would my life be like to simply be a mother? To have a provider and protector- to be able to focus on being a mother? I talk to a lot of women that have that reality and listen to how they live through the lives of their children and grandchildren. Driving carpool, doing school projects, taking to sports or dance events- thrusting their children out into arenas to experience the life that the mother has given up. I hear them express that they don't know who they are without their kids or what they want for themselves- their dreams put aside for motherhood before dreams could even be fully formulated in their minds.
And, many of these mom's enjoy motherhood. Many of these moms see motherhood as their greatest joy. Many of these moms, don't know who they are outside of motherhood or the title "mother." When their kids fail- they feel as though they have failed. When their kids achieve a goal, they see it as their own success.
I don't fit in in so many ways and in so many circles.
I love my kids more than anything. I have given all I got and more for them. I have sacrificed myself, my career, my health, my goals, my money, and more for them. But, I don't feel as though they are mine to have.
I think that when I look back, it's the loss of my first son at a young age to an undiagnosed illness that shaped this in me.
The self-protection of not identifying as a mother solely or attaching my worth to what my kids are or are not. Losing a child, formed a disconnect that still continues for me. I love my children but recognize them as very separate from me. Individuals.
Losing Jonah, my son, taught me that every day is a gift and that tomorrow is not guaranteed- but that there can't be any attachment to today either.
One could assume that this means I would cherish every single second of having my children with me- but I don't. I don't take it for granted either. Recently, in my postpartum but also as a single mom for so many years- I learned that I had to protect my mental health. We can't white knuckle cling to our children.
Loving my children, meant being the best I could for them. It meant that I needed breaks. I needed opportunities to be Katie. I needed moments where I could remember who I really am and was before motherhood, as well as inside motherhood. Taking time to remember who I am, gives me the foundation to be the mother I am. The mother that Katie is. Because I know who Katie is.
When I see other mothers, I see much that I admire and wish I was more like- I also have to remind myself again and again; I am here to be the Katie that Katie is. Open to learn, open to change, but also, okay with being me.
I have mixed feelings about motherhood. Not about my children. My children, I love carte blanche. No limits, no questions. Motherhood, is a separate issue to me. Motherhood is painful and precious. Motherhood is responsibility and risk. Motherhood is giving it your all with no guarantees.
There are times that I dream of the freedom to travel the world and explore and have no strings or obligations, or examples to hold up to- and yet, if I did- would I be driven the way that I am? Having children pushed the limits of my character, tenacity, compassion, and endurance past the limits of what I was before. Would I dream at all?
My oh my, I love my kids. With everything I am and all I have- I love my kids. When push comes to shove (and it has) I will sacrifice myself and everything else important to me for them. I may resent it and complain- but I wouldn't do it differently if given the choice.
To read the stories of other mothers (and myself) about how complex our feelings are about motherhood- child loss, miscarriage, postpartum, adoption, mother daughter relationships, see my co-authored book here:
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