The Rabbit Hole of Abuse

"They appeared to be the perfect family."
A family friend said. 

"He was not a bad person any little bit, as far as we know," their neighbor said. "Everybody probably has issues behind closed doors that nobody knows about, but these people were the perfect American family."

Yet, Kristy Manzanares was dead. Her head smashed.
Blood drenched the floor. Her husband, Kenneth, covered in it. 

He tried to throw her dead body over the balcony from their room on the Alaskan Cruise ship, when he was caught.

Everybody has "issues." Not everyone is a murderer. 

Two phrases Kenneth is now famous for:
"She wouldn't stop laughing at me."
and after he was handcuffed... he said "My life is over."

Chills ran down my spine. 

No. 
Kristy's life is over. Your children's lives are immeasurably devastated. It's NOT about you.

My heart and condolences go out to her family, her friends, and her children.
My heart goes out to all those friends and family of Kenneth who were deceived by him, that assumed his PUBLIC IMAGE was the real him. They were ALL VICTIMS of his betrayal.

My mind began to travel down memory road when the news story of Kristy hit headlines.
I remembered a "CRUISE VACATION" I took with my then boyfriend a few years ago. 

One evening he was drunk, angry, calling me names, thrashing around, threatening me. I felt trapped in that cruise cabin- him standing between me and the doorway.
The argument happened because he was intoxicated.

He had spent most of the trip buzzed or fall down drunk.

Like always, as he threw his tantrum, I quieted down- doing my part in diffusing the argument, and eventually he collapsed onto the bed "sleeping it off."

The next morning as he cried (like he always did the next day) and I forgave him. I believed him when he said he would never drink to the point of losing control of himself again. 

So, we regrouped. 
After all. 
Just like Kristy's husband. He was the "perfect" guy.
We had the "perfect" relationship. 
And for the next few weeks, it WAS "perfect" again. 
The flower delivery guy knew my name by now. 

The card said "I love you." and for months I pretended I BELIEVED it. 

I wanted the PERFECT relationship. I wanted to BELIEVE I had it. To admit that it was something else, something twisted and strange; would have been to admit I failed. That I had made a mistake, that I couldn't trust myself. SO I wore blinders. SO I brushed episodes like this "under the rug."

When the article about Kristy came out I remembered that feeling of hopelessness on that cruise boat and my heart ached for her last moments. 

The surreal moments when the man you love changes into the man you are trying to survive from. 

My best friend later asked me "Why didn't you ever tell me?" 

"Well, I made excuses. I excused the lying, the deceit, the yelling. When it's over and he behaves lovingly and we are laughing- it just all kind of goes back into the closet, and you move on." 

I reflect upon that relationship journey as a lesson of how I sold myself out. The red flags I "looked past."
The first time he was hiding alcohol in his gas station cup at a family party, or in his coffee mug while he drove, only weeks into our new relationship. 
I CHOSE to ignore it and excuse it. 

The first time I caught him lying to me, I CHOSE to give him another chance. 

The first time he called me the names I excused it. When he apologized, I CHOSE to believe he wouldn't do it again. 

I thought when he doted on me- it was for me. As I've been learning about abusive relationships and studying- I've learned that those things were done to "BE THAT GUY." 

I was a player in HIS script. If I didn't play the ROLE he required I was punished. 
He needed to be the one who bought everything, to walk in the with pretty girl on his arm, to fix all the things around the house. It was never about me- it was about his image of him. 
I didn't know better. I thought it was about loving me. 

(This article on Narcissism is helpful to any of you who may wonder if you are in the situation I was:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/communication-success/201409/10-signs-youre-in-relationship-narcissist )

The last day of our relationship was Independence Day. 

For the fourth time in our relationship I found myself pinned to the ground while he screamed at me, threatening me and calling me names. 

But for the first time, something snapped inside of me. My arms immobilized by his grip on my wrists as his 6' 5" body weighed down on me, my breath being pushed out of me, his spittle splattering my face with the expletives out of his mouth. It was morning, he was hung over, he hadn't brushed his teeth, that sweet sick stale alcohol smell accompanying every word. 

Fury exploded inside me. At the time I thought I was angry at him- now I wonder if I was mad at myself. Mad that I was in this position AGAIN. Mad that I had allowed myself to believe things would be different. 

I twisted my wrists free and began pounding my fists against his chest. 

The voice that erupted from my mouth sounded like thunder in my ears: "LET ME GO!"

My resistance, the first time I didn't just surrender to his domineering, and wait out his temper- was the flash of the red cape to a bull. All hell broke loose.

I now think of Kristy Manzanares. Did she experience episode after episode of tyranny like I did? Did the YO-YO of "good guy/bad guy" finally become too much?
Did she finally "break"? Did she finally laugh at the craziness? At the irony? 

At the gap between what "HE" pretended to be in public versus what he was behind closed doors?

Did she finally decide enough was enough? Had she stayed too long, just like I had. (One in Four according to national statistics) 
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/23/domestic-violence-statistics_n_5959776.html


I stayed because I thought, I was learning the true meaning of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. 

I didn't know I was sinking down the Rabbit Hole... one step at a time. One small justification at a time. One kind gesture at a time... those things that I felt outweighed the moments when he was cruel, jealous, vindictive, and suspicious. 

I was the one who would hand him my phone at dinner to "hold" until we were finished eating. 
"It just really bother's him if I take a call when we are out to eat." 

I didn't see it as controlling- I thought he was just a "hard" personality.

I thought it was "normal" to always be "working through something." 

In a sadistic way- it meant we REALLY loved each other. Right? To be working through something- for US. It PROVED our love. 

That morning, Independence Day, I spent a half an hour being held against my will. Every time I tried to stand or leave the room- he threw me on the ground, on the bed, blockaded the door and screamed. 
I screamed too. 

I remember him holding me in the air, my feet dangling above the ground; bruises forming on my arms.

When he grabbed my phone, smashing it in half and pouring water on it so I couldn't call for help; I was finally able to run out of the house. 
He caught me before I reached the neighbors, and dragged me across the gravel into his vehicle. 

Every time he stopped the vehicle- I would try to get out, so he began driving through intersections and stop signs speeding at over 100 mph on the highway.

Looking back, I realize I was afraid, but at the time- I thought I was angry. Something inside of me had snapped. I wouldn't be controlled any longer. The pent up anger, rage, resistance for the past ten months had finally broken free- I wouldn't be caged any longer.

When I threatened to jump from the vehicle if he didn't let me go- he drove faster. I opened the door, "If you try to jump, I will crash and kill us both." he meant it. 

Ultimately, he dropped me off on the side of the highway. I hitch hiked to a friends house where I was able to find a way home. 

Abusers have double standards. 
They have an inherent belief they deserve to control others, but are dangerous if they feel like they are being controlled.
I didn't KNOW I was in an abusive relationship. 
I viewed his control as dedication. I was PROUD to have him so devoted. 


I sold myself out, continually trying to APPEASE him. I began considering HOW he would feel or REACT. I began to measure my actions and behaviors on whether or not I would upset him. I didn't know I was being controlled. I thought I was being a "GOOD GIRLFRIEND."

I didn't think this was abusive. I just thought he was sensitive. 

THREE different friends said the same words to me. "Do you know this is abusive?" when I shared about arguments he and I had had. 

"No." I would shake my head  "YOU know him. He's SUCH a GOOD guy. He treats me soo WELL." I would QUICKLY backtrack.
And, I learned to BE SILENT.
I STOPPED sharing about any of our "arguments." 

I protected HIM.
I didn't want ANYONE to think he wasn't a "GREAT" guy. I helped reinforce the created facade, the public image he pretended to be.

I didn't want to be the VILLAIN that made him seem like a BAD guy for just a "TINY" lapse in all the "Perfect." 
After all, he ALWAYS apologized. 
He regrouped and was MORE doting. MORE kind, MORE attentive and LOVING afterwards. 
He was DEDICATED to showing me HOW much he was sincere. 
My ROLE was to be GRATEFUL. 
To be proud of him. 
After all, HE had gone through SO much. 
His control was just a form of "LOVE"
He loved me SO MUCH, was SO afraid of LOSING me, that's WHY he had to hold on so tight.

The Rabbit Hole.

"I love you more than anyone I ever have, when you say you'll break up with me you hurt me more than anyone else ever has- so that's why I try to hurt you back. So you understand what it feels like."

He only pinned me down when he thought I was going to leave him.

So... I wouldn't threaten to leave anymore. 
I would be MORE COMMITTED. I would PROVE to him that I LOVED him no matter what. I would BE UNCONDITIONALLY LOVING.
I would change so that he didn't have to get angry and hurtful anymore. 

I'm embarrassed to say that after that Independence Day... I didn't block his calls, or Facebook or cut ties and dare to stand alone. (yet)

Most of us STILL believe the abuse is a temporary phase.

I agreed to give him time to "work things out" with his addictions. 

I believed if he could JUST STOP getting drunk, or release his tobacco addiction, he would stop lying, stop saying cruel things, stop hiding and deceiving. I was convinced it was the chemicals and poisons inside him, NOT him. Without those, it would all be ok. 

(Statistics say that in 40% of violent crimes, alcohol is a factor  https://www.vox.com/2015/6/15/8774233/alcohol-dangerous)



I, just like thousands of other women, didn't want to give up all the great things about him- the generosity, the laughter, the car trips, the back rubs, the heart to heart conversations, the feeling of not being alone, the idea that I had someone to face life with, the security of knowing if I needed him, he would be there. 


I just wanted the ABUSIVE MOMENTS to stop. If THOSE would stop, our relationship would truly be PERFECT. It took a long time for me to let go of the belief that it would all PERFECT eventually.


The day I FINALLY told him to leave he stood at the doorway, his parting words were: 
"No one will ever love you as much as I have. You will come crawling back to me." 

For many months I didn't tell anyone but two of my best friends what had actually gone on in the relationship. 

My PRIDE had shackled me. 
How could I admit that I had made excuses, I had ignored red flags. 

After the break up, he reached out to me through a friend. My friend was advocating that I give him another chance.
He had said to her "She's trying to ruin my life."

These words echoed the same as Kenneth Manzanares' on the boat; "My life is over." instead of acknowledging the effect their actions have and had on others.

I'm sharing this story because I know there are thousands like me. Thousands upon thousands.

One small silence upon another, upon another, teaches people what is acceptable behavior. It heals BOTH sides of abuse when we own our voice. When we declare and follow through with what is and is not okay.

I feel like Kristy probably kept silent. Kept secrets. Made excuses. Chose to believe the best in Kenneth. 

She protected him.
When people who knew them and their family were shocked, when there are no court records of abuse or a trail leading up to this... it's not because there wasn't abuse or control going on. It was because of silence. Believing something would someday be different. 
One red flag excused after another. 
It was because many of us PROTECT those who don't protect us. 
She protected the ILLUSION that they were "The Perfect Family."

I can only believe that she believed they would be.

I'm NOT condemning Kristy. SHE did everything to protect those around her, the MAN who killed her, her children by keeping a family together, but in that process of self-sacrifice and LOVE, she wasn't able to protect herself too and yes... was sacrificed for his reputation. "She wouldn't stop laughing at me." he said. His "IMAGE" was crumbling, he couldn't control her any longer.

One by one, as we share, we heal. 
One by one as we are open and accountable, then we can shift the statistics.

One by one, we can learn and educate. 

Photo credit Hannah Celeste Photography

I didn't know I was in an abusive relationship until I began doing research on what abusive tendencies and behaviors are.

Get informed. 
Speak the truth. 

Here are some links to research for yourself.

Top 10 Signs of an Abusive Man

http://www.celebratelove.com/salexander.htm


30 Signs of Emotional Abuse

http://liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/signs-of-emotional-abuse

Domestic Violence Coalition

http://udvc.org/



Read the article I'm referencing here:
http://www.cnn.com/2017/07/28/us/alaska-cruise-man-kills-wife/index.html


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katiejodrum.com