My Son's Passing March 28th

To Love is to lose. To lose is to Love. Having only today is part of what Love is. ~ Katie Jo

Journal Entry From this Morning:

Today, is the 14th anniversary of my son, Jonah's death.

This past week and last couple of days have been challenging for me in the sense that I "feel" it approaching. Today, though- it's simply here.

My story is significant but I resist saying it's special. We all face challenges and all of us will face loss.
Unless we live a life devoid of love, we will all at some point lose someone we love.
It will be that moment when life stops and the world seemingly betrays you by not stopping.

That day when your own world has been obliterated but the rest of life keeps moving like marching Ants and you alone stand still in the chaos screaming "STOP!!!!".......... and it doesn't.

To lose is to LOVE. To LOVE is to lose.

But without Love, to hold it back because of the hurt... takes the very MAGIC and beauty of life away.
To be hurt so deeply when loss occurs is part of the Game of Life. Yes LOVE is a terrifying Jack-in-the-Box experience. That's ALL part of it. Knowing that we ONLY get today. No attachments, no agenda, no "What if's" or "You Must's" just the opportunity to LIVE the LOVE we feel.

Knowing that we REALLY only have today- we only have this moment to say "I love you" and to SHOW it.
To buy the shoes, splurge on M&M's, to take the day off work sometimes, to sit on the front step watching the sunset in silence... and MOST importantly- to express Love in such a way that when you shake the shoulder of your child, your lover, your friend and they shiver their way out of slumber while you ask "Do YOU KNOW that I LOVE YOU?" they answer "YES."

This is the gift Jonah's life taught me.
To never take it for granted.
To never take tomorrow for granted.

Because I did love Jonah; with ALL I knew how to LOVE at the time- and I was a young, inexperienced Mom doing her best.
When that Jack-in-the- Box exploded and my heart felt as though a sledge hammer had made it ground beef- the days, weeks, and years after that; what haunted me MOST was/is "Did he ever doubt his Mother's Love? Did I truly do my best?"

The only answer is: I don't know.

The handle is rotating. The music is jingling along.
Eventually- all of us experience the end- LOSS.

Who am I today? How do I love today?
Because today is ALL we have.
That's the BEAUTY of it.
That's the POWER of it.

I partnered with other women to tell their stories of motherhood, the stories that aren't shared with badges and ribbons, in a book titled Unspoken Motherhood. Stories of PostPartum, Miscarriage, Child loss, adoption, and more. 

See it here:

Unspoken Motherhood